One of those nights...

I am really tired, so this will be kind of short.

More drama with our moms group last night to deal with. I am so tired of being in charge. I am ready to take a break.

So I was up till 2-3 am fretting and killing time reading blogs. Poor birdman is still fighting his cold so he was resting off and on.

There ended up being some reconnecting and talking and dealing with this mess. I did a lot of crying, but the good kind. I mean it was sad crying, but I felt like I had finally had a release about it all. I sent some emails dealing with the whole mess and I ended up feeling better.

So then I started looking through Jane's Guide for new stuff and new blogs to read. I found some new blogs to add to my bookmarks. We also enjoyed some pictures online. Nothing like reading sex blogs and looking at pictures together by the light of the laptop to switch gears to sex.

We were both tired, but we were both really emotional and raw. We had some great sex. Birdman finally introduced me to some stuff he brought back from his CA trip. I thoroughly enjoyed. We were even able to cuddle up and fall asleep together before the kids invaded.

So I "went to sleep" at 5 am. I am not sure how this week will go. I know starting off with a sleep deficit is no good. But it was really important for us to reconnect last night. It had been a rough few days for all of us.

Where is the TGIF?

Is it Friday yet? Oh, wait, it already is? Crap. This is a sucky Friday.

The shit hit the fan with the whole incident of my daughter is terrorizing the playgroup. The mom has involved others and it has been yucky. I am trying my hardest to be an adult. We are voluntarily on a 30 day break from the group.

My sister and birdman have been providing me with the sardonic humor I need.
We are debating all the bad things we could do to the mother in question. My sister thought up some good stuff she was going to email me but then thought against it so it would not be used in a court of law. I want am tempted to do the old standby of getting ex girlfriends... the "sign-her-up-for-lots-of-weird-catalogs" deal.

I go between being so mad and then embarassed and then just forlorn that this lady and son lives in my neighborhood and will go to the same elementary school and will be around for a while. Ick.

In other news we were going to babysit some friends' kids tonight but had to cancel because #1 is puking. Ick Ick. We have had 2 incidents so far. I was holding on to the hope it was just the start of a fever. She tends to puke at most anything. However with puking number two we are probably in quarantine for 24 hours.

I am not a happy sweetpea right now.

At least we had some warmer weather today so the chunks of ice in my driveway are mostly gone. And I heard some chickadees singing "Spring's here" today. I am ready for things to grow again and to get in the garden and work. Last year we hardly did anything because #3 came in May.

I hope tomorrow is less exciting than today.

Why do I have to be the adult!?

I am experiencing a new thing lately. I have for the last couple of months been really worried about screwing the kids up. I figure my 5 year old is of an age where I really could do some damage. A friend said this is when I should start the coffee can labeled "therapy" for loose change.

My current dilemma that reared its ugly head today is conflict with other kid's parents. Ugh. It is all so unproductive to write down, I think. Here is the general idea. We are in a playgroup through my local mom group that is for kids 4 and up. (during the day, so it is really just 4-5 year olds) We are in the group because I am in this mom group and it is convenient. Well, there are about 5 boys in the group, and my daughter.

My lovely daughter is my spirited child. She is very intense, verbal, smart, perceptive... lately instead of "bossy" we have referred to her as "future manager" and she can negotiate like crazy. The way her temperament and my temperament interact is a whole slew of postings. She is the first born daughter, as am I.

What I wanted to write about today is how the heck do you act like an adult when the other kid's mom is being such a jerk? (and the other kid is such a jerk too) Somehow there was an altercation 3 playdates ago between my daughter and the "boys." Something along the lines of cooties or something or other. Well after a number of skirmishes in the McDonald tubes there is a dogpile fight. My daughter got singled out afterward by this mother as the culprit.

I am not saying that her scratching and biting this boy was okay. I guess I am just frustrated that the boys can tumble and rough house but my girl knows how to fight and it is my fault your boy is a bad fighter? No seriously, I just thought that...

What I said was I was sorry and I would keep a better eye on her and not attend play places where they could be up in the tubes unsupervised. Some other catty things happened and I was the best adult I could be. Both my sister and birdman complemented me on my restraint. I tried very hard to stay with the "If I don't have anything nice to say I am not saying anything at all."

Flash forward to today. A few weeks later. Things have cooled down some, but I have not talked to the mom since. I want to set ourselves up for success so we have a laid back morning. My eccentric daughter dresses in her usual Bohemian way. We spend a while making a book of stick figures she narrates about how to deal with your feelings when someone is teasing or excluding you. Everyone is well fed and rested.

It was all going so well.... Bottom line after 2 hrs of playing broken up by a 30 min bathroom/watch the juggler break we have another "incident." They were playing power rangers and the two butted heads again. My analysis of the situation is that she was on top in the pretend struggle of power ranges. After it was broken up (by the mom notifying me that my daughter was choking her son again) the kids really did not seem that worked up about the whole thing. I think she looked over at my daughter physically touching her son and she freaked and overreacted.

I am just fuming because I just don't know what to do. Her son has problems with other kids too. I want to call her up and tell her her son is the one who is the spawn of satan. That is not very adult like. It is just going to be so sticky because she is in this larger group and I am too. I just want to go back and take the 30 sec away!

It is easy for me to know it is her son's issue. Not that my daughter is perfect, but more like my daughter is the canary in the coal mine. She is much more sensitive to mean behavior. She has responded physically to his being mean and exclusive to her. He has this shifty thing that he does that just makes me mad. When he is misbehaving you can see him looking to see if his mom is paying attention. I have heard other moms mention it and it is just sneaky to me.

So, what the heck do we do now. This is a smallish suburb. We live near each other. I want to put on her kindergarten form "do not put her in class with john doe." I don't even know if you can do that.

The main thing that is weird is we as moms do some things together. There is the whole "choosing sides" thing that I am afraid of.

I don't know if this will organize my thoughts better or not. I wrote how writing 10 min a day helps you work through your problems. Maybe I need many more days.

Poor birdman is trying to give me a relaxing massage now and writing this is not helping me shift gears!

Thanks for reading.

I'd just take a nap....

Birdman is promising me some strong orgasms.... I just feel like I need a nap. Today has been a rough mommie kind of day...

With the kids sleeping late and napping in the car on the way home from the mall the 5 and almost 3-year-old were still up about 20 min ago. I finally asked birdman to take them from my room and lock the door behind them. I politely informed them I needed some quiet time. The baby is asleep on the bed next to me but he is stirring so I imagine there is one more feeding before I conk out.

Well, I would take the strong orgasms or just a really nice long neck massage. But, it is so distracting to have the kids pounding on the door... but really.

I have a real life dilemma that is buzzing around my head now. I don't know if I should use my 10 min. here on this post or if I should start a whole new post. I am kind of leaning toward that.... I will keep y'all posted.

Shifting gears

Every night we have the grinding of the gears. Switching from mom to wife... really my only "break" from the day. I sometimes have a few minutes after I wake up to be awake while the kids are sleeping. However, usually I am awoken by the kids.

I stay at home with the kids. I am with them pretty much all the time. The oldest has preschool 2 times a week for 3 hours, but really it is just me. We hardly "stay at home" or I would go nuts, but we do stick together for the most part. As the kids wind down, they tend to get more physical and clingy. As I write this the 3 year old is asleep plastered against my side. The baby already nursed to sleep and was spirited off to his crib.

So, now, I am face with the "mature" thing to do. I should close up the laptop and settle down and sleep because night time is burning and I need to be well rested to do my job well.

However, the siren call of adulthood and non-motherly things is there. I feel the pressure of the NOW NOW NOW going away a bit. However, I am usually still really keyed up and tense. I wish I could have a 30 min. massage date in a quiet room with some ambient music. To recenter myself as me and not mom. Then I could enter the bedroom fresh and able to act on my wants.

I feel sometimes so stuck between gears! I will have the kids down and be in bed next to birdman. I want to have sex. I want to make love to him. I want to feel all sexy and I can imagine many things. But sometimes, my body is just stuck back at that keyed up place. I feel bad for birdman because he is all I have to get over the bumpy road to where I would be after my spa visit.

I used to read erotica before bed to help my mind and body catch up. It would help quiet the buzz in my head of things to do. I would touch myself as I would loose myself in the images and sensual words. Nowadays, I have been reading online a lot. I have enjoyed the sex blogs I read. (Sometime I will get the link stuff going)

I also enjoy looking at some pictures. I find it hard to find good stuff. I tend to find favorite images (as I do with erotic stories) and return to them. Lately I have also been using a new drink to me, cosmos. I used to just drink red wine and sometimes beer. Birdman has started making me some mixed drinks to change it up a bit. Somehow that one drink helps take the edge off the voices and I can just concentrate on the hear and now.

Any ways you all shift gears? It is so hard for me to accept the "the mind is willing but the body isn't" idea.

Doesn't help that birdman has a yucky cold. Last night we "settled" for me coming while we were spooning and he was holding onto my breasts. He loves to hold me as I come. I love to come and roll over to sleep. I have a feeling that will be what happens tonight, too. If I can shift gears well enough I may be able to let birdman sit back and relax some while I enjoy him.

The purpose of this blog...

Well, I am not sure what the purpose is. Here are some ideas.

1. I think the main purpose is to give me and my birdman a place to explore ourselves. Our current website and rl blog is full of kids and family. I had a few times of yearning to write about myself and motherhood. I really had no place to put it.

2. I/We have also recently discovered the joy of sex blogs. I have always been a big fan of erotica. I often would get in the mood by reading online or from books. I have just found the world of sex blogs and I am in love with them. I often found myself wanting to comment on the blogs but did not have an anonymous persona to use. Somehow the leap from finding pseudonym to starting anonymous sex blog was not that big. Go figure.

3. I really hate writing. I can't stand it. I have always had big problems starting writing things. I am a great editor, but getting things on paper (or screen as it is) is so hard. I have major perfectionism/procrastination problems. Why even start when it will not be good enough? Well, I am just forming this idea in my mind now, but maybe churning out blog entries will work through some of that fear. I just seem to get paralyzed by the starting sometimes. In a lot of areas of my life.

4. I have heard/read (I don't have time to google the info right now) that writing 10 min a day about things that you are working through helps relieve stress. Seeing question 3, I have always thought it was a good idea to do but never buckled down and did it. Again, I think the anonymous-ness of it all will help me. My birdman is the only one who can put the blog and me together. He is beyond understanding and loving. He has seen me write much worse, and he always is so loving and gentle in his correction of my grammar. He never makes me feel like the writing loser I feel like!

5. I know many people seem to start blogs as they are going through transitions or reawakening etc. We have been married for 7 years now (this past Oct.) We have been together for 11 years (wow!) this March. We keep joking about the seven year itch not hitting us. How we are so happy and content with us as a couple. Not that we don't have challenging days and things that pull us apart. I know for me I joke about the seven year itch, but I kind of do worry about it sneaking up on us. I can't imagine being so far apart that something like an affair seems feasible. I know it happens in baby steps that pull people apart. I just can't imagine getting to that point. So, I wonder how it happens, and how it doesn't happen, I guess. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow and looking at birdman and seeing someone I don't love more than anything! Anyway, that is something I am interested in exploring. Naming the fears so they are not so unknown? How do people grow apart? I have always thought my relationship with birdman is so intense and complete and multilayered that we would have a hard time drifting apart like that. Because we are so close we are closer than the average couple. Not sure if that is so, but I think that may be some of why I just cannot imagine some of it happening.

6. I wanted to start the blog as a way to talk about where we are. I feel kindred spirits in some of the sex blogs I read and in some of the mommy blogs I read. I don't want to put a bunch of labels on myself, but I feel like some would help. I have 3 kids five years old and under. I have a very good sex life with my husband. We are both interested in the same kinds of kinky sex stuff. Not too vanilla not too crazy. I think the biggest difference I see between the moms I hang out with is that for most of them the sex is still so "giggly." When we have a night out we end up talking about sex. So much of it is still the laughing about it all. Some hate sex, some have such low body image they are not enjoying it, some have lots of sex but somehow it seems so high schooly. I would like to talk about the challenges of balancing sex and motherhood.

7. We spent a long time coming up with a title. We rejected:

Happily ever after (taken and too romancey)
Kinkily ever after
Kinky monogamey
A little bit kinky

We rejected the "kinky" moniker because we just didn't like the connotations. We do do some things that might be kinky. (some public sex, toys, some D/s, dabbling in a bit of rope) But that really does not define our relationship

We wanted something that made sense. We have fallen into attachment parenting (here are some labels, we do extended breastfeeding, family bed, some natural food, but we do vaccines and we will use public schools). A lot of what attachment parenting stands for is doing things how they were done naturally. We are not as "crunchy" as some.

Sex is kind of the same way. For some reason I ended up with a very sensual idea of sex. I would not say I have a great body image, but I do feel very comfortable naked, especially around birdman! The same is true for birdman. We both like being naked and we like feeling good things. We are both very aware of the emotional connection to the physical too. So we do what "comes naturally." ;-)

8. This is one thing we are talking a lot about in our house lately. I am not sure how much I will explore this in the blog but here you go. We are discussing the "theology of contraception." Three is a big number around here. I am not hoping for more. If we had more I know we could handle it and God would provide. I like the whole idea of the snip snip operation. I want to be able to not worry about it being the right choice. Poor birdman would have scheduled the surgery 8 months ago after the little one made his appearance. So he has the daunting job to convince my heart that I will not be struck with a bolt of lightening in the bedroom if we go that route.

9. Neither birdman or myself ever thought we would be to tired for sex... Now that is the case. I am sitting in the living room blogging with the 8 month old asleep on my lap. He has sat with the older 2 (almost 3 boy and 5 girl) and they sound asleep. I have many the carnal desire right now... I also could close my eyes and take a nap. Such is the challenge and balance of our life right now.

10. Well, I got this far, I should even this out at ten. I will say that I hope my readers (if there are any) do not mind my grammar and spelling errors. I just can't worry about that. I want a lot of this to be first drafty because I tend to overthink things.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Secrets secrets....

I hate secrets. I am awful at keeping secrets. I hate knowing there is a secret. I buy presents that are secrets and I am so excited to share the gift I have a hard time not bursting at the seams about it.

This blog is a secret. It is very public (although there are probably not many readers, if any) but it is very secret. We have been in a busy frenzy of making new anonymous accounts and setting up this blog. I am bursting with sharing the information about the blog.

My DH (birdman) has sworn me to secrecy. He says the whole point of blogging anonymously is that you can say anything. The number one person he was unwilling to share with was my sister. She would be horrified about it. However, I asked over dinner tonight if we might share it with a friend who is more open minded. He again said it was better to keep it a secret. Man o man will it be hard.

Shhhh.. :-)

The First Entry

Here we go! This is the official first entry into our blog. We decided to take the plunge mainly because I really wanted to have a place to talk about some things in private. (well really public, but you know what I mean)

I wanted to get the first entry out of the way so I don’t have to worry about it anymore! I am not sure where this blog will take us, but I am sure it will be fun along the way.