Shifting gears

Every night we have the grinding of the gears. Switching from mom to wife... really my only "break" from the day. I sometimes have a few minutes after I wake up to be awake while the kids are sleeping. However, usually I am awoken by the kids.

I stay at home with the kids. I am with them pretty much all the time. The oldest has preschool 2 times a week for 3 hours, but really it is just me. We hardly "stay at home" or I would go nuts, but we do stick together for the most part. As the kids wind down, they tend to get more physical and clingy. As I write this the 3 year old is asleep plastered against my side. The baby already nursed to sleep and was spirited off to his crib.

So, now, I am face with the "mature" thing to do. I should close up the laptop and settle down and sleep because night time is burning and I need to be well rested to do my job well.

However, the siren call of adulthood and non-motherly things is there. I feel the pressure of the NOW NOW NOW going away a bit. However, I am usually still really keyed up and tense. I wish I could have a 30 min. massage date in a quiet room with some ambient music. To recenter myself as me and not mom. Then I could enter the bedroom fresh and able to act on my wants.

I feel sometimes so stuck between gears! I will have the kids down and be in bed next to birdman. I want to have sex. I want to make love to him. I want to feel all sexy and I can imagine many things. But sometimes, my body is just stuck back at that keyed up place. I feel bad for birdman because he is all I have to get over the bumpy road to where I would be after my spa visit.

I used to read erotica before bed to help my mind and body catch up. It would help quiet the buzz in my head of things to do. I would touch myself as I would loose myself in the images and sensual words. Nowadays, I have been reading online a lot. I have enjoyed the sex blogs I read. (Sometime I will get the link stuff going)

I also enjoy looking at some pictures. I find it hard to find good stuff. I tend to find favorite images (as I do with erotic stories) and return to them. Lately I have also been using a new drink to me, cosmos. I used to just drink red wine and sometimes beer. Birdman has started making me some mixed drinks to change it up a bit. Somehow that one drink helps take the edge off the voices and I can just concentrate on the hear and now.

Any ways you all shift gears? It is so hard for me to accept the "the mind is willing but the body isn't" idea.

Doesn't help that birdman has a yucky cold. Last night we "settled" for me coming while we were spooning and he was holding onto my breasts. He loves to hold me as I come. I love to come and roll over to sleep. I have a feeling that will be what happens tonight, too. If I can shift gears well enough I may be able to let birdman sit back and relax some while I enjoy him.