Why do I have to be the adult!?

I am experiencing a new thing lately. I have for the last couple of months been really worried about screwing the kids up. I figure my 5 year old is of an age where I really could do some damage. A friend said this is when I should start the coffee can labeled "therapy" for loose change.

My current dilemma that reared its ugly head today is conflict with other kid's parents. Ugh. It is all so unproductive to write down, I think. Here is the general idea. We are in a playgroup through my local mom group that is for kids 4 and up. (during the day, so it is really just 4-5 year olds) We are in the group because I am in this mom group and it is convenient. Well, there are about 5 boys in the group, and my daughter.

My lovely daughter is my spirited child. She is very intense, verbal, smart, perceptive... lately instead of "bossy" we have referred to her as "future manager" and she can negotiate like crazy. The way her temperament and my temperament interact is a whole slew of postings. She is the first born daughter, as am I.

What I wanted to write about today is how the heck do you act like an adult when the other kid's mom is being such a jerk? (and the other kid is such a jerk too) Somehow there was an altercation 3 playdates ago between my daughter and the "boys." Something along the lines of cooties or something or other. Well after a number of skirmishes in the McDonald tubes there is a dogpile fight. My daughter got singled out afterward by this mother as the culprit.

I am not saying that her scratching and biting this boy was okay. I guess I am just frustrated that the boys can tumble and rough house but my girl knows how to fight and it is my fault your boy is a bad fighter? No seriously, I just thought that...

What I said was I was sorry and I would keep a better eye on her and not attend play places where they could be up in the tubes unsupervised. Some other catty things happened and I was the best adult I could be. Both my sister and birdman complemented me on my restraint. I tried very hard to stay with the "If I don't have anything nice to say I am not saying anything at all."

Flash forward to today. A few weeks later. Things have cooled down some, but I have not talked to the mom since. I want to set ourselves up for success so we have a laid back morning. My eccentric daughter dresses in her usual Bohemian way. We spend a while making a book of stick figures she narrates about how to deal with your feelings when someone is teasing or excluding you. Everyone is well fed and rested.

It was all going so well.... Bottom line after 2 hrs of playing broken up by a 30 min bathroom/watch the juggler break we have another "incident." They were playing power rangers and the two butted heads again. My analysis of the situation is that she was on top in the pretend struggle of power ranges. After it was broken up (by the mom notifying me that my daughter was choking her son again) the kids really did not seem that worked up about the whole thing. I think she looked over at my daughter physically touching her son and she freaked and overreacted.

I am just fuming because I just don't know what to do. Her son has problems with other kids too. I want to call her up and tell her her son is the one who is the spawn of satan. That is not very adult like. It is just going to be so sticky because she is in this larger group and I am too. I just want to go back and take the 30 sec away!

It is easy for me to know it is her son's issue. Not that my daughter is perfect, but more like my daughter is the canary in the coal mine. She is much more sensitive to mean behavior. She has responded physically to his being mean and exclusive to her. He has this shifty thing that he does that just makes me mad. When he is misbehaving you can see him looking to see if his mom is paying attention. I have heard other moms mention it and it is just sneaky to me.

So, what the heck do we do now. This is a smallish suburb. We live near each other. I want to put on her kindergarten form "do not put her in class with john doe." I don't even know if you can do that.

The main thing that is weird is we as moms do some things together. There is the whole "choosing sides" thing that I am afraid of.

I don't know if this will organize my thoughts better or not. I wrote how writing 10 min a day helps you work through your problems. Maybe I need many more days.

Poor birdman is trying to give me a relaxing massage now and writing this is not helping me shift gears!

Thanks for reading.